


For the First Time in My Life I was Happy

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Emotional Compromise, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, First Time, Gay, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Romance, Sexual Content, This Side of Paradise, Triggers, sort of unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:12:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Jim learns he doesn't make Spock happy





	1. Jim

It was stupid to be here, really. It served no purpose other than to wallow in his own self-pity and that only ever made things worse. But he stood looking out at the stars on the observation deck anyway.

He wasn’t all that surprised when Bones sidled up next to him. His friend had some sort of sixth sense as to when Jim was in pain. Physical or emotional. It didn’t seem to matter.

“How long have you been standing here, Jim?”

“I’m not really sure. A while I think.”

“You missed dinner.”

Jim grimaced. “This is Wednesday, isn’t it? Sorry, Bones. Lost track of time.”

“Is this about the crew mutiny?” Bones put a hand on Jim’s arm. “Jim, it wasn’t personal. We were all affected by those damn spores. You know I would never—”

“Nah, it’s not that, Bones. I’m over that. I’m just glad to have the ship and the crew back as they’re supposed to be.”

“Then why are you standing here staring off into space like it’s the end of the world as you know it?”

Jim smiled a little. “Is that what I’m doing?”

“You tell me. You want to get a drink?”

He did, sort of. But if there’s one thing that made his self-pity worse it was alcohol. He sure didn’t need that.

“Another time? I think I’m going to go to my quarters and go to bed.”

Bones stared at him a full minute before he finally nodded. “Okay, Jim. You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

“I do.”

He walked with Bones to the turbolift, but Bones got off on the deck with the medbay and Jim kept going to the one with the officers’ quarters.

He paused outside Spock’s doors.

The thing was, since they’d come back from Omicron Ceti III, he hadn’t seen very much of his first officer. Jim wasn’t sure if that was his choice or Spock’s choice.

He couldn’t get Leila’s face out of his mind. Or the way Spock looked when he’d been with her. Smiling, laughing. Open and loving.

_“For the first time in my life, I was happy.”_

And there it was.

Jim clenched his fists and turned away from Spock’s door to enter his own quarters.

There was an air of absolute loneliness there he hadn’t felt in a long time. Not since before Krall.

Jim couldn’t analyze what Spock’s words had meant for his relationship with Uhura. If he thought too long on that particular relationship, he drove himself completely insane with the need to drink away every thought in his brain. So he avoided that. And since that was all in the past, Jim figured Spock’s lack of happiness there was Uhura’s problem not his.

“Computer, full lock, Captain’s code 2 alpha 4 beta.”

The highest security code clicked into place, ensuring it couldn’t be overridden except in red alerts.

Just prior to their mission for Omicron Ceti III, his relationship with Spock had changed rather dramatically. They’d been playing chess and one minute Jim was beating Spock’s ass and the next Spock was kissing him breathless.

It hadn’t gone any further than that before the mission came and they had to be there for their shifts.

There had been no exchange of words surrounding Spock’s actions in kissing Jim. It had happened and then Omicron Ceti III had happened. Then Leila had happened.

Jim didn’t blame Spock. The spores were at fault. And Jim was hardly some blushing innocent himself. As far as he knew, Spock and Leila hadn’t gotten to the point of total intimacy, but Jim knew it had likely been a near thing. Really, what did Spock owe him anyway? A few kisses didn’t mean anything, necessarily.

Jim thought they had. But he could admit he was likely wrong. He’d kissed plenty of people over the years and nothing had come of it. Maybe Spock had wanted to experiment. Or shut him up.

_“For the first time in my life, I was happy.”_

And Jim had taken that away from him. Spock had felt happy. Something he once denied he was even capable of feeling. Had Jim the right to change that for Spock? And if Leila made him happy and Jim did not…

He went into his bathroom, grateful for the new design of the ship which gave him his own bathroom, unshared by anyone. He took a nice long shower and then dressed for bed.

He tried to remember when he’d last eaten and couldn’t, so he ordered himself a big plate of pasta, garlic bread, a salad, and tiramisu for dessert. Screw it, he’d missed dinner with Bones and he was hungry.

He had a restless night. Constant dreams. Many he didn’t remember. Others he wished he hadn’t. The worse one had been Spock marrying Leila and the two of them getting a nice big shiny married couple’s quarters on the Enterprise.

He ate breakfast in the medbay with Bones so he could avoid the mess and was grateful that Bones made no comment about him doing so.

Jim hadn’t told Bones about Spock kissing him before the whole almost paradise thing and he was kind of glad now that he hadn’t. He was pretty sure his friend knew he had a massive crush—if being crazy in love with someone could be called a crush—but fortunately he hadn’t bugged Jim about it. He no doubt would have if Jim had been foolhardy enough to tell Bones about the kissing.

“Jim?”

“Yeah?” He turned from the doorway of Bones’ office.

Bones looked like he was thinking about whether he should actually say what was on his mind. “Spock was under the influence of those spores too.”

“I know.”

“He never would have chosen to stay on that planet otherwise.”

“I know.”

“I guess he knew that girl back at the Academy. Prior to Uhura and—”

“Bones, I know. What’s all this about?” Jim interrupted impatiently.

“I just didn’t want you to doubt Spock’s loyalty.”

Jim shook his head. ”I don’t. Not really.”

Bones raised his eyebrows. “Not really?”

“He did consider going to New Vulcan. More so after Ambassador Spock died.  You told me that yourself."

“You considered taking a job at Yorktown.”

Jim smiled. “True. But my loyalty to myself has never been in question.”

“Funny. Just-take it easy on yourself, okay? I know you say you know the spores were at fault and logically you know that—”

“Did you just say logically?” Jim exclaimed. “I knew you two spent too much time together on Altamid.”

“The point is,” Bones continued, “the crew owes you their very lives several times over. They’re loyal to you, Jim.”

“Thanks, Bones. See you later?”

Bones nodded and waved him away.

****

Jim avoided looking in the direction of Spock’s station his entire shift. It felt heavy and wrong to do so, but on the other hand, he needed to stay focused and professional and gawking at Spock like some lovesick loon was not the way to do that. He’d get over this. He would. It would just take some time.

Later when Uhura got in the turbolift with him, he hoped she wouldn’t say anything.

God knew, he should have known better.

She stopped the lift.

“Captain, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He smiled. “Thank you, lieutenant.”

“You’re lying.”

“What?”

“That’s your fake smile.” Uhura sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. “You think you can fool me with that? We’ve been friends for too long.”

“Just feeling sore from my gym work out earlier. I overdid.”

“From the gym.”

“Yeah. They have a new rock climbing wall.” Jim smiled again, trying harder this time.

She studied his face. “Captain, the spores—”

He groaned. “Not that again.”

“Please don’t be upset,” she said, hugging him to his surprise. “We love you. You’re the best captain.”

He pulled back and gave her a strange look. “Should I be contacting the medbay?”

“Don’t try to joke your way out of this,” she said sternly. “We do love you. And you have to put all that stuff on Omicron Ceti III behind you.”

“It is behind me.”

“Are you upset with Spock?”

“Okay. What?” Jim laughed. “Why would you ask that?”

“You’re treating him differently.”

“Has he said something?”

Uhura shook her head. “And he wouldn’t even if he noticed. But I can see you are. If this is about Leila—”

“Leila? No. It’s not about Leila. It’s about nothing because there is nothing. I’m just tired. Honestly, Nyota, I’m fine.”

She still looked doubtful but she restarted the lift. “Want to have dinner?”

“Not tonight. I’ve got reports to get done and reports that have reports. I’m going to lay low and just eat in my quarters.”

Uhura got off on the deck with the mess.

Once more when it came time to stand outside Spock’s door, he hesitated. He did owe Spock an apology after all.

He pressed for entry.

“Come.”

Spock stood in the middle of his quarters looking at a bracelet he held in his hand. It was very delicate and gold with shiny stones.

“What’s that?”

Spock looked up at him. “It belonged to Leila. I found it among my belongings.”

“Oh.” Jim didn’t know what to say to that. “I, uh, wanted to apologize.”

“Captain?”

Oh. So yeah. Captain again.

“For the things I said to get you to overcome the spores. They were out of line and I—”

“I require no apology. You merely did what you had to do. I took no offense.”

Goody. Stiff and formal.

Should he bring up the kissing? To what end? To give Spock an out. Because Jim didn’t make him happy.

“The other night.”

Spock straightened. But he said nothing. And he still held Leila’s bracelet.

“It was just…I don’t think.” Jim licked his lips. “We should probably forget about it. Because, you know me. I don’t-I don’t really do—”

Spock inclined his head and then nodded. “I concur.”

“You concur?”

“I had come to the same conclusion,” Spock said softly. “It would not work between us.”

“Well, good,” Jim replied with a ridiculous amount of cheer. God, what an idiot he sounded like. He was. “So, we’re good, right? Still, uh, friends?”

“Of course.”

Jim forced a particularly bright smile. “Chess sometime next week?”

“Yes, Captain.”

_Yes, Captain._

Like Spock hadn’t been in this very room kissing him like he’d never get enough. But maybe that was Jim who felt that way.

“Goodnight, Mr. Spock.”

Jim left Spock’s quarters and headed for his own.

He went straight to his desk and his terminal and started his reports, ignoring the tight ache in his chest.

He was Captain of the Enterprise, damn it and he would deal. Pick himself up, dust himself off, and start all over again. As usual. 


	2. Spock

For a long time Spock stared at the closed door his captain had just exited through. It was an illogical amount of time and he knew it, yet he could not prevent himself from giving into the human emotion of regret. For three point two minutes anyway.

Even as a child Spock knew there were some things in life you could not have no matter how much you wanted them.

James Tiberius Kirk was all that and more wrapped into the package of something he could not have.

More illogically, he could still taste Jim. Even after all the kisses he had shared with Leila since the ones he’d shared with Jim, Spock still remembered the taste of Jim’s lips. Perhaps he always would.

And that was exactly the sort of self-made purgatory he’d meant the last time he’d spoken with Leila.

Spock had made a mistake when he’d kissed Jim. It was only that he’d been thinking about it for so very long and Jim was sitting across from him, smiling and laughing and clearly thrilled to be winning a chess match Spock hadn’t really been paying attention to like he should. It had been getting increasingly more difficult to concentrate on such mundane things with Jim aiming that smile in his direction.

And Jim had just made some silly quip as he announced with particular glee “checkmate”. Then next thing Spock knew, he was seizing his captain by the collar of his shirt and mashing their lips together with all the pent up desire for Jim Spock had been nursing for years.

Spock could admit that now. To himself. Even when he’d still been with Nyota, his desire for Jim burned like a simmering pot of liquid in his gut. He could push it aside in deference to his romantic attachment to Nyota.

But when that ended for good after the events of Altamid, it came boiling to the surface.

He was aware if the orders had not come from Starfleet to evacuate the planet of Omicron Ceti III should any survivors still exist, he would have engaged in coitus with Jim. And that would have been a terrible mistake.

It would have ruined their friendship, jeopardized both their careers, and changed the dynamic of their command team. Something Spock would not do.

While under the influence of the spores, Spock had been hopeless to suppress his human side. Because he had been with Leila at the time, and Spock was well aware she had manipulated him into accompanying her to view the flowers that released the spores, he had turned his human emotions on her.

It was true that when he’d first arrived at Starfleet Academy, he had met Leila. She’d been very kind and friendly toward him when others were reluctant to even approach him. She’d wanted more from Spock than he was prepared to give. Things had never gotten further between them than a couple of chaste kisses before he’d expressed to her that she could not become romantically involved with him. She’d begged and cried and told him she loved him. Spock had been, frankly, appalled.

He had not seen her again until Omicron Ceti III.

His confused emotions had latched onto her and she’d willingly taken them.

It was true Spock had felt happiness on the planet with Leila. But it was a false happiness brought about through artificial means manipulated by spores from an alien plant as well as Leila herself.

Spock now knew why Vulcans had fought so hard to repress such emotions. And he had come to the conclusion he must renew his attempts to repress his.

He was no fool. He knew he had hurt Jim with his inexplicable behavior. Jim was ever sensitive to his insecurities over the loyalty of the crew. But Jim had begun to believe he could count on, at least, the loyalty and friendship of Spock and Dr. McCoy. They had both failed him.

Logically, Spock knew this betrayal could be attributed to the spores. But he could not think logically with Jim and Jim was most illogical himself. He was hurt. And deeply. He was trying desperately to pretend otherwise, but Spock had seen that vulnerability behind the bravado in those blue eyes.

 And he also knew that Jim himself would never have acted had Spock not done so. His captain was a passionate man. Full of fire and emotions ready to burst from the surface at any given time. He drew others to him effortlessly. Jim would never choose a cold, repressed Vulcan like himself. Spock was painfully aware of those Jim chose and none of them had ever been similar to himself.

And Spock had his confirmation when Jim had begun to say he didn’t do relationships.

But most of all, Spock had to keep emotional distance from his captain because he’d seen the ravages of pain such a relationship had inflicted on Ambassador Spock. Ambassador Spock had so few years with his captain, more years apart than together, and it had pained him greatly. Spock did not want that for himself. Did not want to spend years without a treasured bondmate. Jim was reckless and brash and took far too many chances. He had already died once. And so, he had determined not to let those romantic feelings boiling so close to the surface to become so overpowering they would destroy him. Losing his most treasured friend when the time came would be disturbing enough.  

He finally shut off such unhelpful thoughts and turned to meditation.

****

Spock turned with his breakfast tray and noticed his captain at a table for two with Dr. McCoy.

“I know, weird, huh?” Nyota asked, suddenly beside him. “He always eats with a huge group. I think it’s the whole Omicron Ceti III thing.” She seized Spock’s arm. “Come on, there’s a free table.”

Jim’s head was definitely tilted very close to McCoy’s and he was clearly attempting to be very private instead of his usual loud boisterous self.

Nyota stabbed into her eggs. “He’s fake smiling again.”

Spock turned to look at her. “Fake smiling?”

She nodded. “Ever since we left that horrible place. He’s got all kinds of different smiles, you know.” She arched a brow. “Look who I’m talking to. But that’s totally his ‘I’m going to keep smiling until my face cracks’ smile. He also has his ‘diplomatic’ smile. His ‘eat shit and die’ smile. His ‘god I can’t believe how cute you are’ smile, which is always directed at you by the way.”

Spock opened then closed his mouth.

“His ‘indulgent’ smile, which is always directed at Leonard, his ‘omg I am so funny’ smile…” Nyota stopped. “Lord. The way I know all this, you’d think I was the besotted one instead of you.”

“I am not besotted,” Spock insisted.

Nyota just rolled her eyes. “I tried to tell him we love him but I don’t think he believes me.”

“It was the spores. It is illogical to hold them against the crew when they were all affected.”

“I know that, Spock. But this is Jim Kirk. When has he ever been logical?”

Spock could hardly argue with that. Instead he decided to change the subject. He did not want to think of Jim or his hurt. “I received the piece of music you would like me to play. Are you available after shift to practice?”

Nyota smiled with excitement. “I sure am. Wait until you play it, Spock. It’s breathtaking.”


	3. Jim

“What are you doing?”

Jim glanced down at Bones from the top of the climbing wall. Probably a mistake too. Not that he had a fear of heights or anything…much. It did seem higher than it looked when he had begun the climb.

“What’s it look like?”

“It looks like you’re being an idiot.”

Jim snorted and shook his head. “It’s exercise, Bones. I would have thought you’d approve.”

“It’s Wednesday.”

He almost said, again? Because really the days seemed to be flying by him these days. He remembered vaguely as a child those days when he’d look at his brother and say, “When will this day be over?” A lifetime ago now.

“Sorry,” he said instead. “Be right down.”

Jim shoved off and used the rope to lower himself to the ground beside Bones. His friend handed him a towel.

“Thanks.” He began to wipe the sweat off himself.

“Exercising all by yourself in here?”

The rock climbing wall had been placed in a room off the side of the main gym. And Jim had used his captain’s authority to reserve the room just for himself. He barely even felt guilty over it.

“I needed peace.”

“If you fell off that thing it would take a long time for someone to find you.”

“I was wearing a harness. I wasn’t going to fall.” Jim eyed Bones but his friend seemed grumpy and unimpressed. “I need a shower before we can have dinner.”

“I’ll wait.” Bones put his hand on Jim’s arm. “Mess or--?”

“Your quarters. Be there in fifteen.”

Jim headed for the showers without letting Bones say anything else, but he felt his friend’s gaze on his back.

****

“Come.”

Jim stepped inside Bones’ quarters and wiggled the bottle of cognac he’d brought with him. “I come bearing gifts.”

“Have a seat.” Bones took out two glasses as Jim handed him the bottle. “Is it going to be that kind of dinner then?”

“Hmm?”

“Liquid.”

Jim flopped down on the sofa, clutching his PADD to his chest. “Maybe. For now. I’m not super hungry at the moment.”

Bones approached the sofa and handed a filled glass to Jim and then sat himself. “So we’re still doing that, huh?”

Jim smirked and sipped the cognac. “What’s that?”

“Sulking over the events of Omicron Ceti III.”

“I’m not sulking. And I’m totally over that.”

“You’re avoiding the crew, Jim. I’ve noticed. They’ve noticed.”

“I see the crew all the time. On the bridge. In briefings. In the corridors. I’m hardly avoiding anyone.” Much. Maybe Vulcans. But they didn’t count.

“You’ve been taking your meals in your quarters. Every single one of them.”

He eyed his own boots, finding them a good place to keep his gaze trained. “I’ve got so much paperwork it’s gotta be done some time.”

Bones puckered his lips and sipped his own drink. “You could ask Spock for help with that. You used to.”

“Nah, I can handle it.”

“Working out by yourself. You used to have either Spock or Sulu or McMasters spar with you.”

Jim laughed now. “And I will again. Jeez, it’s not been that long. I’m just doing some stuff alone. It’s not a big deal.”

“Hmm. This is the way you got right before Yorktown, Jim.”

He flicked his gaze to Bones. “Meaning?”

“You applied for a position there intending to leave the Enterprise.”

“I’m not leaving.”

Bones nodded. “Sure.” He fell silent for a while, staring into his glass. “You know I love you, right?”

“I always knew you were sweet on me.”

“Don’t try to joke about this.”

Jim sighed and leaned his head back on the couch. “You’re the second one who's said that to me. Seriously, it’s getting old.”

“Because the minute the conversation gets serious, you want to run and hide. You’re my brother. We may not be flesh and blood, but that’s what you are. And I wouldn’t have left you behind on Omicron Ceti III even with the spores. I would have dragged your ass down there myself and forced you to inhale the spores until you were one of us. I’m not Sam, Jim. Or any of the rest of those assholes.”

Jim smiled a little. “Everyone leaves, Bones. Either in a box or out the door. It’s all the same.”

“Jim—”

He raised his head and let his smile turn genuine. “I get it, Bones. I do. Maybe I’m a little maudlin now, but I’ll get over it. It’s what I do. Okay?”

The will to argue was strong in Bones, but he seemed to be considering whether he should bother this time. Fortunately he conceded for the moment. “Okay. Sure you don’t want something to eat?”

“Cheeseburger?”

Bones rose from the sofa and went to the synthesizer. “I’ll let you get away with that this time anyway.”

“I did just climb a rock.”

“A rock wall, but yeah.”

Jim turned his attention to the request on the PADD that he’d gotten before he went to the gym. “So, um, I got a request to transfer to the Enterprise.”

“Yeah?” Bones looked over his shoulder.

“We’ll be near Space Station 4 in two weeks. We could pick her up then.”

Bones returned with Jim’s burger and a ham sandwich for himself. He sat beside Jim once more. “Her?”

“Leila Kalomi. She wants to join the Enterprise in the botany department. She’s qualified. You remember her. She was one of the scientists on Omicron Ceti III.”

“I know who she is,” Bones said with a frown. “She was that girl who Spock was—”

"Exactly. I’m sure that’s why she wants onboard the Enterprise. If Spock were still with Nyota, I’d probably refuse the transfer, but they aren’t together, so maybe—”

“I don’t know. Things didn’t exactly end will between them, Jim.”

“I know. The whole spores thing. And me destroying his happiness by turning him back to his normal self.”

Bones stared at him, ham sandwich half-raised to his mouth. “What?”

“You were standing right next to me when he said she made him happy, Bones.”

“He didn’t say _she_ made him happy, he said he was happy.”

Jim sighed in frustration. “But because of her. Obviously. For fuck’s sake, Bones, you can figure that out. They were down there playing house together. She wants on the Enterprise because she’s hoping to reestablish something with Spock.” He looked at his PADD. “And I can make that happen.”

“Make Spock happy?”

Jim forced a smile. “Yes. Exactly. Leila can make him happy. Like she did before.”

Bones shrugged. “If you’re sure. But I thought _you_ had a thing for Spock?”

“Not any more. I’m done with that. And anyway, Spock has never been interested in me _that_ way.”

Bones nodded. “You do have a point. But Spock happy? Is that possible? I mean I saw him laugh once and believe me it was a weird experience.”

“He was both laughing and smiling with Leila.” Jim downed his cognac. “If anyone can make him happy, it’s her.”


	4. Spock

“You look irritated,” Nyota said, as she brought her teacup to her lips. It was not one of the ubiquitous cups that came out of computer replicator. It was one from Spock’s private collection and the tea was made from real leaves. In fact when they reached Space Station 4 one of the things Spock intended to do was to purchase additional tea in one of the stores there.

Spock was quite certain his expression was blank, but perhaps Nyota knew him well enough to ascertain how he felt about what he had just viewed on his PADD. “We are taking on an additional crew member when we dock at Space Station 4.”

Nyota shrugged. “So? It’s not so unusual is it?” She reached for a hunk of Kreyla and popped a piece into her mouth.

“She will be assigned to the science department.”

Nyota chewed and swallowed her bread before responding. “She? And what? You’re mad that Kirk didn’t ask you? I admit if she’s assigned to the science department, he should have consulted you. Probably for any crew member really. Since you are first officer.”

“It is Leila.”

At that, she put the teacup down hard on the table beside her. “Kalomi?”

Spock arched a brow. “You know another?”

“No. Jesus. Why in the world would she be coming on to the Enterprise?”

“According to this, she requested the assignment.” Spock’s lips thinned. “Jim has tentatively accepted her transfer.”

“Oh, for God’s sake. He’d be the last one I would think would want that bitch on here.”

“Nyota.”

“Oh, please, Spock. She’s always been a manipulative bitch. You know people say that about me until they meet Leila.”

“People say it about you?”

She rolled her eyes then. “Yes, Spock. For starters because I dated a professor in the first place. And then when I got on the Enterprise with you.” She sighed. “I guess…ugh. I sound just like her.”

“You are nothing like Leila,” Spock assured her.

“I hope not. But what’s her game now? You told her you didn’t want to be with her. For the second time, I might add.” She tapped her long nails on the table. “She must think she can change your mind.”

“She cannot.”

“I _know_ that. You don’t love her and are in fact in love with Kirk.”

“Nyota—”

“Please. If you insist on lying to yourself, fine, but don’t bother lying to me. We’ve been over this.” Nyota grimaced and picked up her tea once more. “You did tell her you loved her.”

“I was under the influence of the spores.”

“Yes, but maybe that’s where she’s coming from. But, the captain. Why accept her request? It makes no sense. Even for him.”

Spock felt the need to defend Jim. “The captain generally makes decisions in the best interest of the ship.”

“Exactly. Which is why she’s a puzzle. She’s really not needed.”

Spock was reminded of the time Jim had declared with Dr. Carol Marcus, ‘the more the merrier’. But in that case, Jim had wished to copulate with Dr. Marcus, of that Spock had been certain. “Perhaps he has a desire to sleep with Leila.”

Nyota laughed out loud. “Hardly. God, you’re clueless sometimes. Kirk wants to sleep with you, Spock. Not Leila Kalomi.”

Spock opened his mouth to reply but then closed it, uncertain how to respond to that.

“Tell me why you two aren’t together again?” Nyota asked. “It can’t be because of me. Not anymore.”

“A command team—”

“Spock!”

“Ambassador Spock lived many decades without his captain,” Spock said quietly. “He was, in fact, alone for the better part of his life. He did not seek any other attachment because of his deep connection to James Kirk. He was lonely and sad.” Spock paused. “In his belongings that were passed to me upon his death he had a picture and mementos of their time together. Their closeness was quite clearly more than a mere friendship.”

Nyota bit her lip and nodded. “But—”

“I do not want that life, Nyota. The odds that I will outlive our captain are greatly in my favor, if that can be called such. Even now, with our friendship, it is likely I will be mourning his passing for a long time. To have him as a bondmate, would be…impossible.”

“They were bonded?” Nyota whispered.

“Yes,” Spock said softly. “And the death of his bondmate nearly destroyed him. I will not have that.”

“But you still love him,” Nyota argued. “Just because you are not together, it doesn’t take away from your feelings.”

“It does not. However, I am once again considering Kolinahr.”

“God, I want to smack you sometimes. You can’t wipe out your love with some ritual purging.”

“I believe I can.”

Nyota stood up and went to the door of Spock’s quarters. “Then you really are a fool.”

****

 “Mr. Sulu, how long until we reach Space Station 4?” Jim asked Sulu from his captain’s chair.

“Another hour, sir.”

“Good.” He turned towards Nyota. “Lieutenant, notify them of our impending arrival.”

“Aye, sir.”

Jim stood up and walked over to Spock’s station. “You saw the transfer request for Leila Kalomi?”

Spock hesitated, but then nodded. “Yes, Captain.”

Jim frowned. “You didn’t approve it.”

“I am not certain it should be approved.”

“Why not?”

“I do not need another member for the science department. We are fully staffed at present. She is a botanist and we already have several experts on the Enterprise, including Lieutenant Sulu. ”

“Yes, but—”

“I request permission to conduct an interview with Ms. Kalomi on Space Station 4 before approving her transfer to the Enterprise.”

Jim pursed his lips and then folded his arms across his chest, tapping his fingers on his arms. “Why are you fighting me on this?”

“It is standard procedure, Captain. As the chief science officer my request is entirely appropriate.”

A muscle ticked in Jim’s jaw. “Fine. Okay.”

Jim turned and returned to his chair then.

Spock was still uncertain why Jim wanted Leila on board in the first place. Spock had gotten the distinct impression that Jim was not impressed with her when they met on Omicron Ceti III. It made no sense.   


	5. Jim

Jim shouldn’t be watching Spock walk away.

Well. That was unfair. He wasn’t walking away. Not in that sense exactly. But they were on Space Station 4 now and Spock had just left, presumably, to meet with Leila Kalomi.

And Jim was left staring after him like some lovesick loon.

“What exactly are we doing?”

Jim turned to Bones. “Hey.”

“Don’t ‘hey’ me. I saw you watching Spock.” Bones grabbed Jim’s arm and pulled him to the side. “You think you’re fooling me, Jim. You aren’t.”

“About what?”

“What exactly is going on with you and Spock?”

“Nothing.”

“Jim—”

“It’s true, Bones. Something sort of was, but it’s over.”

Bones stared at him for a while, saying nothing. “Explain.”

“Before all that shit went down with the spores, Spock and I kissed.”

“You and Spock?”

“Isn’t that what I said?” Jim sighed. It was unfair of him to snap at Bones. This wasn’t his fault.  “I’m pretty sure it was one-sided now.”

“One-sided? How does one kiss one-sided?”

“I think I kissed him. I don’t know. It’s all kind of fuzzy now. Anyway, after everything was said and done and we were all back to normal, Spock told me he didn’t want to be with me.”

Bones’ eyes turned kind and to be truthful, his friend’s sympathy made him uncomfortable. “He said that? I’m sorry, Jim. I would have thought…I guess that doesn’t matter now.”

Jim nodded, ignoring the tightness in his chest. Or trying to, anyway. “I think he realized during his time with Leila that he could never be happy with me the way he was with her. And I don’t know, Bones. I can either look at it like he just can’t stand to be with _me_ or he realized he just prefers to be with women. Look at his relationships. Uhura and Leila.”

“Either way sucks,” Bones said.

“It does, yeah. But I’d rather think he doesn’t want to be with a guy than he doesn’t want to be with me specifically.” Jim shrugged. “Whatever the case, what’s done is done. And if having her on board makes him happy or content, whatever, then I’m glad. I’m his friend. I want to see him have what he deserves. What he wants.”

“And you? What about you?”

Jim sort of laughed. “What about me? I’m fine, Bones. It’s not the first time I’ve dealt with heartbreak.”

“No. But it’s the first time it’s involved someone as important to you as Spock.”

He shook his head. The truth was Spock had been breaking his heart unknowingly for years. But Jim wasn’t going to admit that to Bones. Or anyone. He just had to get used to the idea, once more, that some things everyone else had were not meant for him. Jim had been doing that all his life. He’d continue to do it.

“Want to get a drink?” Bones asked.

Jim forced a smile and patted Bones’ arm. “Maybe later. There’s someone I have to see.”

“Jim—”

“I’ll catch up later, Bones. I’m good. Okay?”

Bones nodded. “All right.”

****

He found her in a conference room, just as she’d said she would be, staring at a terminal. She didn’t even look up when he walked in.

“I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.”

“Hi, Mom.” He took the seat beside her, leaning back in the chair. “I said I would.”

She glanced at him. “You look tired.”

He shrugged. “No more than usual.”

“How have you been?”

“Good. You?”

“Same.”

Jim snorted and turned around in a circle in his chair. “You know most sons and mothers hug when they greet each other after so much time.”

“Do you want us to hug?” she asked, her tone skeptical.

He shook his head. “If it’s not natural, why bother?”

She turned her attention fully away from the terminal to look at Jim. “You didn’t like to hug even as a boy.”

“It’s an empty comfort.”

“And yet I’m the one who’s at fault for not hugging you.”

He stopped spinning his chair. “I didn’t say that.”

“Not in words, perhaps. But your tone says otherwise. Your body language.” His mother leaned over and put her hand on his face, cupping his jaw. He tried not to flinch at the contact. “Your eyes are sad. And your hair is turning gray.”

“The responsibilities of a captain.”

“Hmm. Where’s your first officer?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere else.”

She frowned. “I thought you’d bring him with you.” Her hand dropped from his face.

“Why would I?”

“I thought you said—”

“No.”

“But didn’t you—”

“No, Mom. There’s nothing and no one.” And seriously. He didn’t want to talk about what wasn’t happening with Spock He was tired of it.

“Oh.” She pursed her lips. “Are you reconsidering taking that Yorktown position?”

Was he? He didn’t think so. He went to shake his head, but instead he said, “They all turned against me.”

“Who, Jim? Who turned against you?”

“My crew. My friends.” He paused. Leaned his head back to look at the ceiling. “Spock.”

“Mutiny?” she asked, shock clear in her voice.

“There were these plants that shot spores. I guess…they were responsible. Everyone tells me so. But it just, it seemed so easy.”

“I’m sure it was the spores, Jimmy. You’ve given your life for them. Literally. Gone to great lengths to save them.”

Jim smiled. “And for what?”

She sighed. “You’re going to find there’s really only one person you can really rely on in your life.”

“Yeah?”

“Yourself. Anyone who tells you anything else? Well, it’s bullshit.”

Jim straightened and looked at her. He wondered if her attitude was the reason he was the way he was now. That and the beatings. Those sure as hell contributed.

“To think I went through hundreds of doctors just to have you tell me I’m the only one I can rely on.”

She made a face. “Doctors don’t know shit.”

“Then why’d you send me to them?”

“They all told me to after you got back from Tarsus.” She shrugged. “What was I supposed to do?”

There were a lot of things Jim figured she could have done, but he kept his mouth shut. Water under the bridge and all that.

“You want to have dinner?” he asked, hoping she’d say no.

She shook her head. “I’ve got work to do before I get off this space station.”

Jim stood and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “See you around, Mom.”

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it and then released it just as quickly.

God, they were a pair.

Back in the main part of the station, Jim contemplated what he should do next. There was a bar to his right. He wasn’t really in the mood for a drink, but he kind of wanted company. So he headed there.

He spotted the Orion girl pretty much right away. She reminded him of Gaila, which made him a little sad. He’d never gotten the chance to apologize to Gaila for using her to defeat the Kobayashi test. She’d been on the Farragut when it had been destroyed by Nero. Hell, lots of cadets he’d known died that day.

The Orion girl turned, sensing his perusal, and she smiled saucily at him. He grinned back and walked over to her, offering to buy her a drink.

“Captain Kirk, right?” she purred.

“That’s right.”

“Oh, I’ve never bedded someone so famous before.”

He laughed. “Today’s your lucky day.”

Her hand slid up his thigh. “No, Captain. It’s yours.”


	6. Spock

Vulcans did not experience dread. Certainly not in the sense Humans spoke of it. Spock had always believed it to be an exaggeration. And yet, as he prepared to meet with Leila, dread was the most likely term for how he felt.

And still he fought against such emotionalism.

In some ways, the ambassador had accepted his Human half more toward the end of his life. Or so he’d given that impression to Spock. He’d certainly displayed emotions more in his brief interactions with Spock.  The deep sorrow Spock had sensed in him had been only a mere part of it. But even as Spock was aware of the softening, perhaps, of Ambassador Spock’s Vulcan half, Spock became more determined to suppress his own Human side.

After the dissolution of his ill-chosen relationship with Nyota, they’d been able to remain friends. Mostly because Nyota had always been wise about just what she could expect from Spock. Not that they’d never had their issues. She had confronted him on more than one occasion about his lack of sensitivity to her feelings. His near death in the volcano had been one such occasion. And more recently, when he’d considered renouncing his Starfleet career and resettling on New Vulcan.

When Spock had chosen to stay after all, they’d briefly resumed their relationship until it became clear to both of them that what they’d had and lost could not be rekindled. Spock was grateful for their continuing friendship.

However, despite their renewed friendship, Nyota did not support Spock’s intention to undergo Kolinahr, something he was considering more and more. Once they left the Space Station, Spock intended to seek his father’s advice on the matter.

But now…there was Leila.

Spock was under no mistaken belief that he truly loved Leila. He never had. He’d found her interesting enough during his early academic days on Earth, but he had felt more relief than regret when she had departed his life. Spock believed with his doubts about a successful long term relationship with Jim haunting his waking thoughts and meditation, he’d been vulnerable to the influence of the spores Leila herself had manipulated to infect him.

They were to meet at a little teashop on the Space Station that was known to serve many varieties of tea, including those that were generally preferred by Vulcans. When Spock approached the shop, he was only vaguely surprised to see that Leila was already seated at a table waiting for him. He yanked down his uniform shirt and approached her.

“Mister Spock,” she greeted him with a big smile. She stood and went toward him as though she intended to kiss or hug him, but when Spock took a step back, her smile faded and her arms dropped to her side. “Sorry. I forgot you prefer not to be touched in public.” She returned to her seat. “I ordered that tea I remember you liked from our academy days.”

Spock took the seat across from her. “I prefer other varieties now.”

“Oh. Well. I can get something else.”

Spock glanced at the teapot, his nostrils picking up the faint hint of oranges, cloves and smoke of the tea. “There is no need. This will be sufficient.”

Leila smiled again and picked up the teapot, pouring some into a cup for him. “It’s wonderful to see you again. I feared I wouldn’t have a chance for a while but then I thought of the perfect solution.”

“The perfect solution to what?”

“Our being together again, of course.”

Spock’s fingers tightened around the teacup. “We were never together.”

“We were certainly friends. And we had romantic feelings toward each other.”

“You had them toward me but I did not return them,” Spock reminded her.

Leila seemed undaunted by his bluntness for she merely smiled and took a sip of her tea. “Only because you had just arrived from Vulcan and were so very repressed about everything. And that reminds me. I didn’t get a chance to say it before, but I’m so very sorry about your planet, Mister Spock. I can only imagine how devastating it must have been to you.” She paused for a moment. “And your mother, too. As I recall, you were never very close to her, but still—”

Spock stiffened. “You will forgive me for my bluntness, but you do not know what my relationship with my mother was like at all.”

Leila blushed. “Well, no. And I’m sorry if I overstepped. I just thought—”

“You thought wrong.”

“Let’s not talk about that.” Leila brightened. “Anyway, as I was attempting to say, had circumstances been different when we first met, I think our relationship would have grown and flourished. We both experienced a sense of what it could be like on Omicron Ceti III.” She reached over and placed her hand on his. “Our time together was so wonderful. And I know I made you happy. You finally returned my love. It was like a dream.”

“More like a nightmare where one wishes to wake up,” Spock said coolly. “Ms. Kalomi, we were both under the artificial influence of manipulative plants. As I told you when we parted in the transporter room, my responsibilities lie with the Enterprise, Starfleet, and Captain Kirk. I have no room for anything else.”

“Oh, but your captain has approved my transfer.”

“Should I approve of it myself,” Spock replied. “I am science officer and the captain has ultimately left the decision up to me.”

For the first time since sitting down, her perkiness seemed to disappear. “I’m perfectly qualified to be on the Enterprise, Mister Spock. My application for the transfer is completely in order and approved by Captain Kirk.”

“There is no need for another officer onboard.”

She smiled again and then pushed the PADD that had been sitting on the table next to her in Spock’s direction. “It’s all been given the go ahead, Mister Spock. See for yourself.”

Spock looked down at her PADD to see her transfer request on the screen. Kirk’s signature was on one side and on the other side was that of Admiral James Komack. His gaze rose to her face.

“Dear Uncle James,” she said with a note of cheerfulness in her voice. “He was very pleased with my desire to join the Enterprise. He and my father have been friends for just ages.”

“I see.”

“You needn’t fear. I am an excellent botanist. Very close to the top of my field. I do my job well, whatever else is going on. My specialty is exotic plants found on many of the worlds we’ll be exploring.” Her smile widened. “I look forward to our working relationship.”

****

Spock almost held himself back from the Space Station transporter room when he noticed Jim just ahead of him. He could wait until the next transport, he told himself. It would only take a few moments more and he could avoid returning to the Enterprise with only his captain. But just as he was deciding to hold back, Jim partially turned and noticed him.

“Hey, Spock.”

“Captain.” Spock fell into step beside him. The captain looked a little dazed. His blue eyes were very dilated, the blue being almost swallowed up by the pupils. There was a vague scent of—

“I got the notice you approved Lieutenant Kalomi’s transfer.”

“Once she showed me that it had already been approved by Admiral Komack I felt I had no choice,” Spock replied.

Jim gave Spock a weird look. “You still didn’t want her onboard?”

Spock shrugged slightly. “It is no matter. I will follow orders.”

“I’m sure everything will work out just fine,” Jim said, then as he stepped up on the transporter pad. Spock stepped up beside him. “Energize.”

As soon as they reappeared on the Enterprise, Jim stepped off, heading for the exit. “I really need a shower.” He rubbed the bite mark on his neck absently. ”See you on the bridge later, okay?”

“Yes, Captain.” Spock continued to stand in the transporter room ten point three seconds later.

“Was there something you needed, Commander?” the transporter chief asked.

“Negative, Chief. As you were.” Spock exited the transporter room and headed to the turbolift. He found Nyota already on it.

She held up her hands. “Don’t bother to tell me. I already know that bitch is on the ship. Unbelievable. Fucking Komack.”

“Nyota, the walls have ears sometimes.”

She snorted at that, folding her arms in front of her chest. “Don’t expect me to be nice to her, Spock.”

“I do not.”

“Good. Because there’s no way. Stupid, manipulative bitch.”

“Nyota—”

She rolled her eyes at him as the doors opened onto the bridge. She went to her station with a flip of her hair.

Spock made his way to the captain’s chair. “Status report, Mister Sulu.”

“Ready to leave orbit, sir, at your command.”  


	7. Jim

Jim had just sat down in the mess for lunch. He had chosen one of his favorite meals: a large salad, in deference to Bones, a plate of spaghetti with marinara sauce, garlic bread, and a piece of cheesecake. He was definitely hungry. He had just picked up his salad fork when Leila Kalomi appeared at his table.

“Captain, may I join you?” she asked with a pleasant smile.

“Have a seat, Lieutenant.” He gestured to the empty chair.

Her smile widened and she sat across from Jim. “Eating all alone, Captain? Are the rumors true then?”

He arched his brows. “Rumors?”

“Oh, just that you’re a loner who doesn’t have many close relationships.”

“I recommend while you’re on my ship you ignore rumors, Kalomi. They are seldom helpful.”

“Oh, you are certainly right, Captain. My apologies. I’m here because I understand I am to report to you first.”

“Just a formality.” He dug a fork into his pasta. “What have you done since your arrival?”

“I’ve been by to see the botany labs. Very impressive. I’ll be checking out my quarters next, but I wanted to stop to see you first.”

“Have you already eaten lunch?”

“I had a very small snack before I beamed on to the ship.” She gave him that pleasant smile that seemed sort of fake. Like it had back on the planet. He still didn’t quite get what Spock saw in her. “Honestly, I hardly eat as much as a bird.” She looked pointedly at Jim’s food. “I was just wondering how you stay so fit eating all of that food, Captain.”

Jim’s gaze followed hers and he looked down at his food, wondering if it really was excessive. Was it? Being hungry was—

“Captain? If you don’t have anything else, may I go to my quarters now?”

His gaze rose and he felt a little off-kilter. “Yeah, that’s fine. Dismissed.”

“Thank you, Captain.” She rose from the seat at the table, her hips swaying, as she made her way to the exit.

Jim licked his lips and stared down at the food.

“Captain, may I have a word with you?”

He looked up into the annoyed face of Uhura. He pushed his food away and rose from the table. “Not now, Lieutenant.”

“Captain! You didn’t eat your lunch!”

Jim was due to be on the bridge, but he headed for his quarters instead. And straight into the bathroom to look in the mirror. Was he getting fat? Was he eating more than his fair share? He knew he had some issues with eating. They’d tried to cure him of it.

He patted his face, then pinched his cheeks. His stomach was growling. He knew he was feeling hungry. But he couldn’t order more food. He’d already wasted all that food in the mess.

Coffee. He’d just have coffee.

_Hey, kid, I’ll give you this moldy bread if you suck my dick._

Jim shuddered. He did _not_ want to dredge up all of that again.

And what had she meant about him being a loner with hardly any close relationships? Was she trying to imply something?

“I have a loyal crew,” he said out loud to the image in the mirror. Only he didn’t. He had a mutinous crew is what he had.

“Should have taken that Vice Admiral position,” he told the image. But he hadn’t. And it was no longer available. He had checked.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Spock’s voice. No doubt wondering where the hell Jim was.

He hit the comm. “I’m on my way, Mr. Spock.”

****

It had been a difficult shift. He was having trouble concentrating on anything as he listened to his stomach growl. So he had tried to distract his stomach with cup of coffee after cup of coffee until he was jittery as hell and had a sour stomach. When his yeoman brought him yet another cup, Jim noticed Spock look over at him, and then stand to come over to the captain’s chair.

“Yes, Spock?”

“Are you all right, Captain?”

“Sure, sure. Just tired and trying to keep myself awake.” He smiled vaguely and lifted the coffee to his lips, though he hadn’t even really wanted it.

“I can finish your shift, sir, if you would like to quit the bridge.”

It was on the tip of Jim’s tongue to say it would be a cold day in hell before he couldn’t finish a shift, but really, he couldn’t wait to get to his quarters to eat.

He was out of his chair without hesitation and offered Spock a more genuine smile. He patted Spock’s arm. “Thank you, Mr. Spock.”

He made it to the turbolift without looking back, but as the doors closed he could hear Uhura whispering to his first officer.

The first thing he did when he reached his quarters was order a big meal. He wolfed it down far too quickly, but he was suddenly ravenous. When it was gone, he stared at empty plate after empty plate and wondered what the fuck he’d just done. He felt incredibly queasy and guilty as hell. He tossed the plates down the chute and then went into the bathroom again.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

When, of course, his image could provide no answer, he did the next best thing. He stuck two fingers down his throat and made himself throw up. He dropped to his knees and hunched over the toilet, heaving up all his food and all his coffee that he’d drank over several hours. Over and over, his stomach clenched until all he was getting rid of was bile. And still he threw up, two, three more times.

He sat down on the floor of the bathroom, unable to manage any more. Tears streamed down his face.

He ignored the chime on the door of his quarters for so long that whoever it was let himself in and he was rather unsurprised to see Bones standing in the doorway of the bathroom looking down at him grimly.

“Jim, you look like hell.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Did you forget we have a poker game tonight in the rec room? I was coming to get you.”

“Oh, hell.” Jim wiped his hand over his face. “I can’t make it, Bones. I don’t feel well.”

Bones continued to stare, then he reached down and helped Jim to his feet. “I can see that. Is this because of seeing your mom on the Space Station?”

Jim had already forgotten about Winona Kirk and what did that say about him, about her, anyway? But he grabbed at that. “Yeah. Always fucks me up.”

Bones helped him to his couch and gently pushed him down. “You nauseous?”

“Not anymore.”

“Want me to give you something?”

“No,” Jim closed his eyes for a minute. “Bones?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you describe me as a loner?”

“Oh, probably,” Bones said, far too quickly.

Jim nodded, moistening his lips. “Okay.”

“Why?”

“No reason.”

“Sure you don’t want me to give you something?” Bones asked, squeezing Jim’s knee.

“Nah. I’m just, I’m gonna take a shower and go to bed. I’ll feel better when I wake up. Good luck with the game. Don’t let Scotty cheat.”

Bones gave him an uncertain smile, but Jim was relieved when he stood up and made to leave. “I’ll check on you later.”

“There’s no need. I’ll be asleep.”

Jim followed Bones to the door then to make sure he really did leave and when he was gone, Jim threw his security lock.

He took a step forward, toward his desk, thinking to contact Ambassador Spock, when he stopped.

_Shit._

The old man was dead now. How could he have forgotten even for a moment that he would never get to talk to old Spock again?

Jim went to one of his wardrobe drawers and pulled out the pendant that Ambassador Spock had given him the last time they’d seen each other face to face. A long time ago now.

And it signified a relationship with Spock, Jim would never have. Not him, not this Spock. He closed his fingers around the pendant briefly before returning it way in the back of the drawer and covering it up with clothes.

He turned back to the bathroom and the shower, ignoring the protests of his still not quite right stomach.   


	8. Spock

“What do you intend to do about her?” Nyota asked even before she had completely sat down across from him.

Spock arched a brow at her. “Who do you refer to?”

She grimaced and stabbed her fork into her pasta carbonara. “Don’t be deliberately obtuse, Spock. It doesn’t suit you. That woman. _Leila_.”

“Is she being disruptive?”

Nyota snorted. “Her very presence is disruptive. And I saw her talking to the captain.”

Spock lifted his teacup to his lips, his gaze going automatically to the captain who sat with the doctor and Mr. Scott on the opposite side of the mess. Jim had dark smudges under his bright blue eyes and though he was smiling at whatever his companions were saying Spock could see there was something quite off about him even from where he sat.

“It is required that a new officer speak with the captain upon boarding the ship,” he said.

“Oh, you aren’t actually going to quote rules and regulations at me, are you? I know them every bit as well as you do.”

“You are riled.”

“You think? She’s up to something. Whatever she was saying to the captain wasn’t good. He was…rattled after.”

“The captain rattled?” But even as the words left Spock’s mouth he knew that it was likely. Leila was a manipulative woman, Spock could see that, and it was clear that something was bothering Jim. “Should I speak with him?”

“Only if you’re ready to tell him you love him.”

“Nyota.”

“You’re being stubborn and ridiculous about this whole thing, Spock. Before this whole spores bullshit you were well on your way to getting together with Jim. And now what? You’re miserable. He’s miserable. And fuck it, that miserable woman is onboard _our_ ship.”

“I did not want her transfer, Nyota, but she arranged it through Admiral Komack.”

“Because she’s a manipulative little—”

“Hey guys.”

Nyota closed her mouth as she turned to face their captain. They had both missed him approaching their table and for a moment Spock’s stomach twisted, wondering just how much he’d heard. But his expression was completely devoid of any knowledge of Spock’s affections.

“Good evening, Captain,” Nyota said smoothly. “Did you want to join us?”

“No, no. I don’t want to interrupt anything.”

“Believe me, you weren’t interrupting.” She smiled and gestured to the coffee cup he held in his hand. “Sit down, Captain.”

Jim did a little head tilt, but then took the offered seat. “Thanks.”

“I thought you were eating with Leonard and Scotty,” Nyota said, when she could tell Spock seemed to be at a loss for words.

“They both got called away. I guess one of the engineers in Scotty’s department got hurt so Bones was called to the medbay and Scotty went with him.”

“Not Keenser?”

“No, Jones, I think.” Jim eyed her plate. “That any good?”

“Fairly tasteless but innocuous.”

The captain grinned. “That pretty much sounds like everything we eat on this ship.” He glanced at Spock. “Salad?”

“Indeed. With sliced strawberries.”

“Or what passes for them anyway.”

“What did you eat?” Nyota asked.

“Um. Well. I had a bit of stomach upset yesterday so I’m sort of…being careful.”

“So you had nothing?” Nyota tsked. “Coffee? You think that’s good for your stomach? I can’t believe Leonard didn’t give you hell for that.” She gave him the once over. “When was the last time you got real sleep?”

“Uh.” Jim’s face was red now and his gaze skittered away. “I slept.”

“Nyota, perhaps the captain feels as though he doesn’t need a mother or another to pester him like the doctor,” Spock spoke up in Jim’s defense.

 “Fine.” Nyota rolled her eyes.

Jim visibly relaxed. “Actually, I was wondering if you had any free time.”

“I am due to—”

“Oh. Sorry, Spock,” Jim interrupted quickly. “I meant Uhura. I remembered she played backgammon sometimes in the academy and even has a set and it’s been years since I’ve played so…do you?” He smiled at Nyota.

Nyota smiled right back at him. “I sure do have a set. It’s been years since I played too. When do you want to?”

“Tonight?’

“Come to my quarters?”

Jim nodded. “Great. I have a few things to do first so, um, twenty one hundred okay?”

“Perfect.”

Jim rose then, taking his coffee with him. “Thanks. I’ll see you later, Spock.”

Spock watched him leave their table. “You have made a date with the captain.”

“It’s not a date, Spock. It’s friends playing a game. And you could be spending time with him if you weren’t such an idiot. Now you have a stalker on board who thinks you want to be her true love just because you kissed her a few times when you were under the influence of her damn spores.”

“Yes,” Spock admitted reluctantly.

“What are you going to do about it?”

****

Nyota’s question echoed through Spock’s mind when he went to one of the labs later after their shared meal.

He most certainly did not want Leila Kalomi on board the Enterprise but he was uncertain what he could do about it. She had clearly arranged it with Komack and Jim had seemed desirous of it as well. Spock did not believe that Jim had any sexual interest in Leila himself. It had been clear to Spock that Jim had engaged in casual sex while on the Space Station, but all the signs had indicated it was with an Orion female. And anyway, Leila had spent most of her time on the Space Station meeting with Spock. It was also clear that Leila had an interest in Spock rather than Jim, though Nyota’s uneasiness about Leila’s talk with Jim did weigh on him.

“There you are!” Leila suddenly appeared in the doorway to the lab. “I’ve been looking all over the ship for you.” She smiled and entered the lab. “Not true. I went to your quarters first and when you didn’t answer I asked the ship to find you.” She came to stand near him. “What’s that you’re working on?”

“Cells of a nearly extinct species of the planet Herratopilies.”

“I just love when you get all scientist on me,” she said, stepping closer still. “It’s so sexy.”

“Lieutenant, if you do not mind, you are in my personal space. Please step back.”

“Don’t you want me in your personal space, Mister Spock?’ Her smiled widened, but she did take two steps back. She glanced around the lab. “This is exactly the kind of place I used to fantasize about back in our academy days.”

“Working in one?” Spock asked politely as he peered into a microscope.

“Side by side with you. And maybe, while we waited for the results of a particularly troublesome experiment, we could pass the time engaging in far more intimate activities.”

“In a laboratory? That would be quite inappropriate.”

“Exactly.” Leila smirked. “That’s what would make it so delicious.”

Spock shook his head and continued to study the species, even while aware she was stepping closer to him once more. “Was there something you wanted, Lieutenant?”

“Why yes, Mister Spock, there was.” She put her hand on his arm. “Wouldn’t you like to kiss me?”

Spock rose from bending over the microscope. “Lieutenant—”

“Leila.” She put her hands on his chest. “You liked kissing me back on Omicron Ceti III. I know you remember.”

“Certainly, however, I have an eidetic memory.”

She pouted. “Is that the only reason, Mister Spock? It was good between us. You liked it. I know you did. You were becoming aroused and then Captain Kirk had to interrupt before we…you know. Wouldn’t you like to continue? This place can be so…decadent.”

Before Spock could stop her she had placed her lips on his, pressing herself to him. His hands rose to push her away.

“Spock, I—”

Spock froze at the sound of his captain’s voice even as Leila stepped away, smoothing down her hair.

“Oh, Captain, what you must think of us?” Leila said hurriedly.

Jim stared at them both for a minute, his expression closed off and unreadable.  “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Oh, that’s all right. We were being entirely too naughty. But don’t blame the commander. It was my fault. I got carried away.”

“Captain—”

Jim shook his head. “Okay. Well. Whatever. What you do in your private time is not my business. But in the lab—”

“Oh, of course, Captain,” Leila said quickly. Spock was very close to smothering her with his hand over her mouth. “Was there something you needed, sir?”

“No. Just ship business. It can wait. I have somewhere to be.”

Before Spock could say anything else, Jim had turned on his heels and disappeared from the lab.

“Lieutenant Kalomi, that was entirely inappropriate,” Spock began.

Leila smirked. “Oh, perhaps a bit. I’ll leave you alone, Mister Spock. It’s time for me to have a chat with my father anyway.” She fluttered her hand at him and left the lab.

Spock picked up his PADD and began to compose a message.

~~Captain, I was not kissing Leila Kalomi~~.

No.

~~Captain, what you saw was not at all what you think.~~

~~My behavior, though, inappropriate, was not~~

Spock put his PADD down. Though Jim had looked surprised to see Leila Kalomi with him in the lab, he didn’t seem particularly bothered or jealous.

Jim had been most insistent on transferring Leila to the Enterprise despite Spock’s clear objections. Nyota had insisted on more than one occasion that Jim did not want to sleep with her himself and Spock concluded by the available evidence that he did not. But Jim was aware that Spock had kissed Leila and declared his love for her on the planet. Could Jim possibly believe that Leila was who Spock wanted?

Jim’s odder than usual behavior was starting to make some sense.

And Spock was beginning to believe that Nyota was correct. He was an idiot.     
  


	9. Jim

This was exactly what he wanted, wasn’t it?

Spock to be happy. Leila made him happy. Didn’t she? Spock had said she did.

Jim leaned his forehead against the glass in the observation deck.

He’d succeeded. Spock was kissing her.

And it didn’t fucking matter if Spock didn’t want to kiss him. After all, Spock had made that quite clear.

His own happiness…well that never really mattered. He’d figured out a long time ago a happy life wasn’t for Jim Kirk.

“Captain Kirk?”

He froze at her voice. Frowned too. He straightened and made himself turn around. “Lieutenant?”

Leila Kalomi stood nearby giving him what could only be considered a sympathetic look but there was a falseness about it Jim couldn’t quite place.

“I’m so sorry to disturb you, Captain. I was just worried about you.”

“Worried?”

“Well, perhaps concerned makes more sense.” She clutched her hands in front of her. “We both are.”

“Both?”

“Myself and Mister Spock, of course,” she replied. “Oh, he wouldn’t admit it to you, of course, Captain. But he is. What with the rumors going all around the ship.” She gave Jim that weird sympathetic look again. “You haven’t heard them, have you?”

“More rumors? I don’t generally listen to rumors, Ms. Kalomi.”

“Oh and I don’t blame you. They are nasty things. But since the rumor concerns you, I did want to ensure you were all right.” She hesitated. “Uncle James—Admiral Komack to you I suppose—was so dear to recommend you take me on the Enterprise.”

Jim didn’t want to know what rumors she spoke of, but he found himself asking her anyway. “I can see you’re just dying to tell me what’s being said, Lieutenant. So I guess you’d better have your say.”

She looked startled and immediately shook her head. “Oh, no, Captain. You misunderstand. It’s just with Uncle James helping to get me on this ship, I feel as though I have to make sure everything is as perfect as it can be. He’s such a sweet man.”

“Right.”

“It was those nasty spores, wasn’t it, sir?”

“The spores.”

“Why yes. That had the crew turning against you so quickly. It couldn’t have been your command style. Everyone knows what a very popular captain you are throughout all of the Federation.” She smiled again. “You’ve saved them all time and time again. So all that nonsense about how the spores only make you do what you truly want to do can’t be correct.”

Jim’s jaw tightened. “Have you a point, Lieutenant?”

“It’s just the rumors are that you’re considering giving up command of the Enterprise. Again, apparently. You were considering it before, weren’t you, Captain? On Yorktown?”

He narrowed his eyes. “How’d you know about that?”

“Mister Spock mentioned it to me when we were together. There’s something so elegant about his quarters.” Her smile widened. “You aren’t thinking of leaving are you, Sir?”

“No.”

“That _is_ a relief to know you aren’t bothered by the crews’ mutiny enough to give up command. I’m glad that particular rumor just isn’t true. I’ll leave you alone now and inform Mister Spock that we shouldn’t be concerned.” She started to turn away. “Oh and Captain? You look a little pale. Be sure to get some rest.”

She went through the exit and Jim clenched his fists.

“ _Bitch_.”

What in the fuck did Spock see in her? Uhura, he could see. But this one?

He inhaled and exhaled. Then headed for the lift.

****

“That doesn’t look very nutritious.”

Jim looked up from the glass of whiskey he held in his hand as he sat in the corner of the mess. Uhura stood in front of him holding a tray with a bowl of what looked like beans and rice. “Join me?”

She sat down. Flicked her hand at his drink. “No food?”

“Not hungry.”

Uhura pursed her lips. “Not that I’m complaining, but why have your drink in here instead of, I don’t know, in your quarters, or with Leonard?”

“I’m avoiding Bones for the moment.” He smiled a little.

She arched a manicured brow. “Why?”

“Because he’d bug me about eating,” Jim replied, then grinned. “Much like you did. Only way worse. And I’m not in the mood to be mother henned.”

“I see. And why here?”

Jim sighed and picked up his glass. “I don’t think being alone right now would be a good thing for me.”

“Where’s Spock?” Uhura spooned up some rice and beans and took a bite.

“No clue.” And frankly Jim didn’t want to know. He had his suspicions.

“Want to get that backgammon game going? We never did get around to it.”

Jim shook his head. “Not in the mood for any more games.” He slid his gaze across the room. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

He moistened his lips. “Why’d you and Spock break up? Was it the go make Vulcan babies or-or something else?”

Uhura was quiet for a while and Jim was starting to think she was going to tell him to mind his own business. Her expression kind of reminded him of the old days when they’d met at that bar.

“That certainly didn’t improve things between us,” she said very softly. “But we’d been drifting apart for far longer than that, if I’m honest. We’ve-we’ve always made better friends, if you want to know the truth. We started off that way. One night I accidentally found out what feeding him chocolate could do and our relationship changed. There’s no question we loved each other. But even then it wasn’t ever a very romantic love. It was…comfortable. At first.” She sighed. “You sure you want to hear all this?”

“No,” Jim admitted. “But I think I kind of need to.”

“Captain—Jim—he was never very affectionate with me. I was with him, of course. And he never pushed me away when I was. But he never initiated anything. I started getting more discontent with the way things were. Well, you saw us during the time with Khan. Not our best moments. Not mine, definitely,” she said. “Afterward though things seemed to improve. That’s when he gave me his mother’s necklace. His father gave it to Spock, thinking he might want to give it to me, and he did. But then things started going back to the way they were when I was unhappy and, well, maybe even worse. His wanting to go to New Vulcan added just another layer and I ended things with him just before Yorktown.”

Jim emptied his whiskey. “But you got back together. Right?”

“Briefly. The events with Krall had us reconnecting. But the truth was I couldn’t handle Spock being in love with someone else anymore.”

Jim frowned. “What?”

Uhura smiled sadly. “He had been for a long time, you see. And I pretended not to notice for a long time and he pretended to let me pretend. But we both knew.”

He swallowed the lump that formed. “So he loved her even then.”

“What? Who?”

“Leila Kalomi.”

Uhura burst out laughing. “ _Her_? God, no. Spock doesn’t love _her_. Jim—”

“I saw them together,” he told her bluntly.

“You-you saw them?” Her dark eyes were wide.

“Yes.”

“That’s not possible.”

“It is. Damn it, Uhura. I saw them. They were kissing. And she’s been in his quarters.”

“Jesus Christ,” she muttered. “I really need to talk to him.”

Jim opened his mouth.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Sulu’s voice.

He flipped open his communicator. “Kirk here.”

“Distress signal, Captain. Argelis 4. Says they’re under attack by unknown assailants.”

“On my way, Mister Sulu. Plot a course. Warp factor six.”


	10. Spock

Spock watched his captain as he stepped off the turbolift and headed for his chair. Nyota is right behind him but Spock pays her no heed as he continues to watch Jim. He is taut around the shoulders, the gold tunic stretched across. The line of his jaw is rigid. Until Nyota is standing at his station, glaring down at him.

“I could just smash your face in right now,” she whispers furiously.

Stunned by her vehemence, Spock just stares at her.

“You kissed Leila!”

“I did not.”

“Jim _saw_ you.”

His heart squeezed in his side. “I did not kiss her. She kissed me.”

Nyota rolled her eyes. “Like that makes it any better. Just what are—?”

“Commander. Lieutenant.”

Jim’s voice is cold as he interrupts them and they both freeze, glancing his way. He does not appear to have overheard them but he is clearly displeased.

“Can you two break it up enough to actually perform your duties just now?”

Nyota flushes at the reprimand, but she responds with a swift, “Yes, Captain,” before heading for her station.

Jim’s gaze lingers on Spock for just a second more before it shifts to the view screen. “Estimated arrival at Argelis 4?”

Spock looks at his station. “Two hours, Captain.”

“At warp eight?”

“One hour, thirty minutes, Captain. But it is not rec—”

“Warp eight, Mr. Sulu,” Jim orders.

“Aye, Captain.”

They are only fifteen minutes away from making orbit at Argelis 4 when Spock turns from his station to notice Jim is angled oddly in his chair. Spock stands and approaches.

When he gets near, he immediately notices Jim’s overly flushed face as well as beads of sweat dotting across his forehead and upper lip.

“Nearing orbit of Argelis 4, Captain,” Mr. Sulu announces.

Jim blinks and stared straight ahead. “What?”

Sulu looks back at him, confusion clear on his face. “We’re about to arrive at Argelis 4, sir.”

“Oh.” Jim nods and scrubs his hand over his face. “Good. Prepare a landing party. Uh, consisting of-of—”

“Captain?” Spock knew he failed to keep the alarm out of his voice.

“Ensign Higgins, Lieutenant Uhura, and—”

“Ensign Higgins was killed on Oriel 7, Captain.”

Jim looked at Spock and what Spock saw alarmed him further. The whites of Jim’s eyes were bright red, almost like blood. “’kay. Someone else then. I’ll just get ready.” He rose from his captain’s chair, an empty coffee cup falling to the floor, and pitched forward straight at Spock.

Spock barely caught him before he hit the floor.

Sulu looked to Spock. “We’ve made orbit, Commander.”

“And we’re being hailed,” Uhura added in.

Spock was torn between what he knew his duty required and getting the captain to the medbay. He knew what Jim would expect so he hit the comm. “Spock to McCoy. We need medics to the bridge immediately. The captain has fallen ill.”

****

It took twelve hours to get the situation at Argelis 4 under control and by the time Spock made it back to the Enterprise, he had received no update on Jim. He headed straight for the medbay as soon as he exited the transporter room.

Almost immediately, Spock was confronted by Nurse Chapel.

“Mister Spock, I’m glad to see you. I wanted to talk to you.”

“What is the captain’s condition?” Spock asked.

She gave him a sad look. “I should wait for Leonard to talk to you.”

“Nurse—”

“Please, Mister Spock. I wanted to ask you about Lieutenant Kalomi.”

Spock froze. “What about her?”

“Well, I guess, I just thought it was a little odd, but she keeps wanting to see the captain. I’ve turned her away a few times, but if you think she should be allowed—”

“Absolutely not,” Spock interrupted her sharply.

Nurse Chapel nodded. “Doctor McCoy did say to keep everyone away. Except you. But she was being rather insistent and saying that it was on behalf of Admiral Komack, so I wanted to check with you.”

“I will deal with her and the admiral,” Spock replied. “His condition?”

She bit her lip. “Not good, Mister Spock. He’s not regained consciousness. His fever is very high and he’s quite restless. There’s an odd rash all along his torso. Doctor McCoy is concerned.”

“Does he know the cause?” Spock made himself ask.

“Not yet.”

Spock swallowed. “May I see him?”

“Of course, Mister Spock. He’s behind that wall where there can be some privacy.” She smiled. “I’ll just be over there.”

Spock nodded and then, before he went over to where she indicated, he ordered a security guard to be present at the captain’s side at all times. He did not know why Leila would wish to see Jim so adamantly. He doubted she was sincerely concerned with his welfare. And since Jim _would_ recover from whatever ailment he had, reporting to Komack would hardly be necessary.

Spock approached Jim’s biobed. The captain lay still, on his back, and instead of being flushed red as he had been when he collapsed, he was now a very sickly shade of white. His eyelids twitched but never opened.

He felt the need and desire to touch Jim but he felt such a gesture would be unwelcome. So he stood there, staring down at Jim, with his hands clenched behind his back so that he would not attempt it. But it was a physical ache.

Had he been wrong to turn away from Jim in order to protect his own emotional and mental health? Nyota seemed to think so. And there was no denying the devastated look Jim wore when he’d come upon Leila kissing Spock. He had been so sure that Jim wouldn’t care about pursuing a relationship with Spock. He’d seemed all right with it when Spock advised against it upon their return from Omicron Ceti III. But Spock also knew that Jim, of all humans, was very good at hiding his own pain.

“Spock.”

He turned as McCoy stepped over to Jim’s bed. “Doctor. How is—”

“I don’t know,” McCoy said softly.

These words were most unwelcome.

“If he has a contagion—”

“No. It’s a toxin of some sort.”

“A toxin?” Spock was filled with dread. “The captain has been poisoned?”

“Yes. Or he’s having an allergic reaction. Nothing I’ve tried has worked. He’s not improving, Spock.” McCoy put his hand on the captain’s forehead, brushing aside hair. “I brought down his fever and then it spiked up again.”

“You are the chief medical officer.”

McCoy flicked his gaze to Spock. “What’s your point?”

“It is your duty to see to the welfare of the captain.”

“You think I don’t know that? It’s also my duty as his friend.” McCoy turned away and muttered something Spock couldn’t quite catch. Even with his superior hearing. He wanted to demand the doctor repeat it but Spock sensed it would be something he did not care to hear.

McCoy sighed and continued to stroke Jim’s hair and forehead and Spock tamped down his jealousy that McCoy could freely touch their captain with no perceived consequences.

“What was he doing before he collapsed?”

“I have previously told you,” he said stiffly.

“Well, tell me again, damn it.”

“He was sitting in his chair, going over reports, and drinking a cup of coffee. Has the coffee been tested?”

“There was nothing left, but the cup itself was swabbed and it didn’t appear to contain any known toxins.” McCoy made a frustrated sound. “Did he eat anything?”

“Not that I saw but I was not watching him.”

“For a change?”

Spock bit back his demand for the doctor to clarify. He had no current desire to spar with McCoy. He needed meditation. But he also needed to stay by the captain’s side. And he could do neither. He was currently in command of the Enterprise.

“I am required on the bridge,” he said stiffly.

McCoy simply nodded and started scanning Jim.

“You will keep me posted.”

“Yeah.”

“I require regular reports even if there is…no change.”

For a moment, the look McCoy shot him led Spock to believe he planned on arguing with Spock about it or at the very least he’d have some sarcastic remark to make meant to relay some misguided idea of wit humans often fell back on in times of stress, McCoy in particular, but then the doctor simply nodded.

Spock turned on his heels and then stopped to speak with the security guard who had arrived. Carter was his name.

“Ensign, you are to let no one into see the captain unless authorized by myself or Doctor McCoy. Is that clear?”

“Aye, sir.”

With nothing else to do at the moment, including hover over Jim, Spock exited the medbay and returned to the bridge.


	11. Spock

“His condition has worsened.”

Spock stared down at the captain, who now wore a very elaborate oxygen mask across his face. “Explain.”

“He’s not breathing on his own anymore. He stopped altogether about an hour ago. We were able to revive him but now…” Leonard gestured to the mask and oxygen tank. “It wasn’t long enough for brain loss function.” He paused. “I don‘t think.”

Spock clenched his fists. He would not accept the loss of Jim. He would not.

“His organs.” McCoy stopped, looked away, and then cleared his throat. “They’re shutting down. At this point, they’re in danger of failure.”

Failure is not an option. Failure is not an option. Failure is not—

“I don’t know, Spock. There seems to be more of the toxin in his blood. And it’s not like any I’ve seen before. It seems to be plant based but—”

Spock turned and walked away and over to the security guard positioned in the medbay. “Have you let anyone in to see the captain other than myself, the doctor, and Nurse Chapel?”

The guard shifted.  “Well. I did let your girlfriend in to see him, sir.”

Though Nyota was no longer with him, Spock supposed that the ensign could be confused. “I do not recall advising that she could visit the captain. When did Lieutenant Uhura come by?”

The ensign blinked. Turned a little pale. “Not Ms. Uhura, Commander. The other one. Lieutenant Kalomi. She said that you and she are—”

Spock’s blood ran cold. He didn’t even let the ensign continue. “You are relieved of duty.”

“Sir?”

Spock went over to the comm on the wall. “Lieutenant Commander Giotto report to the medbay.”

“But, sir, she said—”

“My specific instructions were that no one was allowed access to the captain without permission from either myself or Doctor McCoy. My instructions were quite clear. You will be reprimanded.”

The door to the medbay opened and Giotto stepped inside.

“Mister Giotto, it would seem the ensign here is incapable of following orders.  I request that you personally guard the captain and let no one, save Doctor McCoy or Nurse Chapel, near him without checking with me. _Anyone_. Is that clear?”

“Perfectly, Mister Spock.” Giotto looked at the ensign. “You are dismissed. We will have words later.”

The ensign scurried out.

“Sorry, Mister Spock. I’ll take care of it,” Giotto promised.

Spock gave him a curt nod. “See that you do.”

Spock left the medbay and headed directly to the botany labs. 

And Leila was there, standing at a table, with a species of plant in front of her. She smiled upon seeing Spock.

“Oh, Mister Spock. How wonderful you sought me out I was—”

Spock stalked over and picked her up by her throat crashing her into the nearest wall. “What have you done?”

She gasped. “Mi-Mister Spock—”

“You are attempting to murder Captain Kirk. I do not know why, but I will not allow it.”

“I…please. Can’t breathe.”

He released her and turned around, clenching his fists. He turned back to see her bent over, attempting to catch her breath.

“What did you use to poison him and what is the antidote?”

“I don’t-don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Do not attempt to lie. I know that it was you. You have access to plants and know what they can do. Doctor McCoy has indicated the toxin is plant based. You recently obtained unauthorized access to him in the medbay and shortly thereafter his condition worsened. “

Leila rubbed her neck. “That’s circumstantial at best.  And I had nothing to do with whatever he has.” She straightened. “This could be good for you, though. If he doesn’t make it, you will become captain, and I—“

“Will be court-martialed. Charged with murder. Imprisoned for the rest of your natural life,” Spock said coolly. “If you provide instructions for the antidote, you will still be court-martialed but you will be charged with attempted murder. There is a greater chance you might not spend your entire life in custody.”

She shrank back. “No. I can’t go to prison. Uncle James would never allow that.”

“Admiral Komack will not approve of your actions in this.”

She shook her head. “No, Mister Spock. You don’t understand. You love me. I’ve-I’ve done this for you. Everyone knows _you_ should have been captain when Pike stepped down. You were his first officer. Kirk deliberately circumvented your rightful place. With him incapacitated, you can finally be captain.” She rubbed her hands together. “And I can be your first officer. Meeting again on Omicron Ceti III was fortuitous. Can’t you see that?”

“What I can see, is that you are insane. Under those circumstances, you will be taken to the medbay and put under a physician’s orders until you can be transferred to an appropriate—”

“I am not!” Leila shouted. She stepped closer to him. “You want the antidote? I’ll show you.”

“I would prefer you verbally provide me with the necessary information.”

“No. It’s something you must see.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the corner of the lab toward a group of plants. “ _If_ I had done as you believe, I would have used the Brawley Weed from Brawley 5. And _if_ I did, then the antidote would be the crushed bulb of the Macron Wart.”

She picked up a small plant and held it toward Spock.

“That is not a Macron Wart. That is the plant from Omni—”

The plant moved and sprayed Spock with spores.

“Yes,” she said with a smile. “It most certainly is.” She put the plant down and then put her arms around his neck. “Now, Mister Spock, what were you saying?”

Spock’s gaze went to her mouth. “I don’t recall.”

She smirked. “Much better, don’t you think?”

The whistle.

“Uhura to Spock.”

He lowered his lips toward Leila’s.

“Bridge to Mister Spock.”

Spock sighed and flipped open his communicator. “Spock here.”

“Doctor McCoy has been looking for you and—”

“I’m busy,” Spock said, closing his communicator and returning it to his pocket.

Leila leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss his jaw. “Yes, you are.”  


	12. Jim and Spock

Whispered voices too close by woke Jim.

He felt the panic of not knowing where he was. Something was preventing him from speaking and his brain felt fuzzy. He couldn’t move any of his limbs and he wasn’t even sure his eyes were actually open.

“You get that hobgoblin here or I’ll send security after him.”

Bones. And he sounded very angry.

“Believe me, Leonard, I’m going to kick his damn ass myself.”

Uhura sounding just as angry.

Breathing hurt. He tried to swat at the thing stuck down his throat.

“Easy. Hey. Stop that. Don’t.” Bones suddenly hovered over him. “Jim, no. Don’t make me restrain you.”

Jim stopped struggling.

“That’s better.” Bones’ fingers touched his forehead. “Welcome back to the living.”

Something was not right. There was a hitch in Bones’ voice he hadn’t been able to cover and there were tears in Bones’ eyes. Bones didn’t cry easily.

And Jim. He felt…

He tried to ask how long he had. But he still couldn’t talk. He tried to convey his question with his eyes. Bones squeezed his hand.

“You’ve been poisoned,” Bones said softly. “I’m trying everything I have, Jim.”

And Jim heard the unspoken words. Nothing is working.

“----imminent failure.”

So this was it. He was going to die. Again. Only he wasn’t a cat. He didn’t have nine lives. Bones wouldn’t pull some miracle out this time.

Stupidly all he could think of was that he would never be with Spock. Insane. He already knew he wouldn’t be because Spock had already rejected him.

Did he have everything in order? He’d left some video messages in the event of his death. And Bones would receive instructions on what to do with those.

Everyone had regrets, didn’t they? Were his any worse than anyone else’s? He didn’t want to die. Not now. He didn’t.

“Jim?”

“Doctor McCoy, I think I know what poisoned the captain.”

Sulu’s voice.

“Fuck,” Bones said. “Is it curable?”

Bones moved away from Jim’s biobed and he could no longer hear their conversation. Whether it was because they weren’t speaking loud enough or it was the buzzing in his ears, Jim didn’t know.

The alarms on his bed went off.

“Doctor! The Captain!”

****

Leila was sitting in Spock’s lap, kissing him, her hand on his cheek, in a chair in the botany lab.

“Vulcans bond, don’t they?” she asked, as she moved her lips up to his ear and licked the tip with her tongue.

“They do,” Spock replied. “There is a ceremony conducted by Vulcan elders that would connect our minds.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely. We’ll have to find time during our voyage to stop by New Vulcan. I’m sure Uncle James will grant us the time.”

“Oh my God! What in the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Spock glanced at the door of the lab to see Nyota standing there looking angrier than he’d ever seen her, hands on her hips.

“We’re having a private conversation here,” Leila informed her.

“Spock,” Nyota said, ignoring her. “Jim is _dying_ and you’re playing house with this bitch?”

“Dying,” Spock repeated softly.

“Yes! Damn it. What the hell is wrong with you?” Nyota came forward and snatched Leila’s hair, yanking her off of Spock. “What have you done to him?”

“Nyota, what—”

Leila rubbed her head and scooted away from Nyota. Her eyes were wild. “Mister Spock is going to be captain and I’m going to be—”

“Dead meat.” Nyota balled up her fist and swung it toward Leila, hitting her square in the face. Leila crumbled to the ground in a heap. After a look of extreme satisfaction, Nyota turned to him, beginning to ball her fist up once more. “Do I have to hit you too?”

“I…do not know.” Spock put his face in his hands.

“Spock! There’s no time. The captain is dying. Leonard needs you to help him figure out an antidote.” She shook him hard and then grabbed his hands off his face. She slapped him. “Spock! Come on.”

Spock grabbed her hand as she went to strike him again. “Cease.”

“Spock, we need—”

“Macron Wart.” Spock stood up and pushed her aside. “We must hurry. It should be here somewhere.”

Nyota began to search with him, frantically looking through plants and their labels. Spock could hear her breathing hard.

Spock’s heart pounded painfully in his side. If-if-if-

Jim did not make it—

Spock seized upon the plant. “This!”

Nyota grabbed his hands as he picked up the plant. ”What do we do with it?”

“The bulb is crushed. There is no time. We must get it to the medbay.”

Spock ran from the botany lab, Nyota right on his heels. It had to be in time. It had to be in time.

_Jim_.

 He would not watch Jim die again. He could not.

The medbay doors slid open and Spock rushed through, crashing into Nurse Chapel as he did so.

“The Macron Wart—”

Nyota ran into his back.

Chapel shook her head. “It’s too late, Mister Spock.”

Spock’s hands clenched. “What?”

Nyota came around him. She grasped at him. “Christine, what are you saying?”

He felt faint. He was certain he was about to fall.

It could not be true.

“She’s saying, Hikaru Sulu to the rescue,” Sulu announced as he came around a doorway in the medbay. He was grinning. “I got this, Commander. The captain has already been given the Macron Wart.”

Nyota laughed. “Thank God. You scared the crap out of me.”

“His functions are already returning to normal,” Chapel said. She was beaming as Nyota embraced her.

McCoy came from the same direction as Sulu. He looked grumpy. But then to Spock, he often did.

“You!” He pointed to Spock with a shaky finger. “He wants to see you.”

He said it as though he could not imagine why the captain would want to see Spock. And at that moment, Spock had the same opinion. He had trouble making himself move.

“Spock?” Nyota asked.

Spock nodded. “Lieutenant Uhura, please see that Lieutenant Kalomi is taken into immediate custody and inform Starfleet she will face charges in the attempted murder of Captain Kirk.”

“Yes, sir.” Nyota walked away.

Spock moved past Sulu and McCoy who were gaping at him in surprise as he rounded the corner of the medbay and headed to the captain’s biobed.


	13. Jim

His heart was hammering when he watched Spock approach his biobed. He didn’t really know what he was expecting or anything but he supposed the fact his heart could still hammer at all was a fucking great thing.

Spock’s expression, usually completely unreadable, was anything but. There was an aching vulnerability, a desperation in those chocolate eyes.

He opened his mouth on the Vulcan’s name and—

Spock leaned down and kissed him. Deeply. Madly. Like he was drowning and Jim’s lips were water. Surprise gave way to an all-consuming need as Jim eagerly returned the kiss, not caring or thinking about anything but the Vulcan who was nearly crawling into his biobed with him.

It was only when Jim’s lungs began to hurt from the need to breathe, that Spock relented and allowed them to come up for air.

“I love you,” Spock rasped out. “Most desperately.”

Jim’s mouth fell open. For all of the things he expected Spock to do and say, kissing him senseless and declaring his love, was not on the list.

“I am sorry,” Spock continued as if Jim wasn't staring at him with mouth agape. “I have never thought myself an idiot before, despite Doctor McCoy’s endless proclamations, but I can say with complete certainty that my recent behavior has established that I, in fact, am.”

“Spock—”

“Your imminent death finally afforded me the opportunity to realize the depth of my feelings for you are without compare and any trepidation upon my part regarding the culminating of a romantic relationship between us has been without merit.”

“Well I—”

“Please,” Spock said softly. “Allow me the opportunity to express all my regrets.”

Jim smiled a little at that, for indeed his heart felt lighter than it had in recent memory. “I thought it was illogical to experience regret.”

“Jim.”

“Okay. Carry on, Mister Spock.”

To Jim’s further surprise, Spock sat on the bed, which actually caused Jim to have to scoot over a little, but he didn’t mind, and Spock reached to clasp Jim’s hands in his.

“I feared loss of control as a Vulcan due to my intensely possessive romantic feelings toward you,” Spock told him. “As well as the unfortunate example of my counterpart’s own heartache due to the lengthy loss of his own Jim.”

“You didn’t want to love me only to be without me for so long.”

“It was impossible not to love you.” Spock shook his head. “I had already lost such a battle.”

Jim grew quiet then, thinking about everything that had happened to them since they had kissed, since before Leila and the mutiny and then after as well. He became aware of Spock watching him very intently and with a good deal of uneasiness. And if they were really going to do this, then a lot had to be said. By both of them.

“When-when we kissed that time…I think I thought it was a mistake. That I imagined something in your eyes that wasn’t even there and that the kiss was all me. I’ve been so in love with you for so long that I wanted you to be just as in love with me. But even before we went down to that godawful place, Omicron Ceti III, I could see you wanted to take it all back.”

“Jim…I kissed you.”

“I know. On some level, I knew. But maybe there was something I did—”

“There was. You were being yourself. Beautiful and cocky and exasperating and I wanted you more than I had ever wanted you before.”

Jim lowered his gaze to their clenched hands. “You said she made you happy.”

“I was under the influence of spores.”

Jim’s gaze rose to  Spock’s face. “Not then. You weren’t under the influence then. And it was just…God. Everything just hit me. The mutiny and you with her and then saying she was the first one to make you happy.” He could feel the prick of tears.

“Ashaya.” Spocks hand rose to his face. “That my thoughtless words and actions caused you so much pain and self-doubt causes me personal torment. She does not and could never make me happy. I do not love her and I never have. Any feelings brought out for her were false ones manipulated out of me by deceitful means. Your love is pure and beautiful as you are.”

“But that feeling of happiness—”

“Was nothing compared to the feeling of happiness upon learning you would recover. I promise you that I will spend the rest of our days ensuring that you are very happy.” Spock paused. “That is, if you return my feelings. You have not said.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “God, you are so dense. I fucking worship you. But—”

Spock kissed him before he could say anything else. “There is no but.”

“What happened with Leila? Bones said she was the one who poisoned me.”

Spock nodded. “And she has been taken to the brig and will face charges.”

“Womack—”

“There is no way he can ignore this, Jim. She tried to murder the Enterprise’s captain. And she used an alien plant to temporarily incapacitate the first officer.”

Jim’s eyebrows rose. “Did she?”

“She was of the opinion I would be made captain and she could become my wife. That would never have happened.”

“How did you break free?”

“Nyota.”

“Excuse me?”

Spock cleared his throat. “Nyota came upon us and punched Leila.”

Jim smiled. “She deserves a commendation for that.”

“Indeed.” Spock leaned forward to kiss him again. “Lieutenant Sulu as well for discovering the antidote so it could be administered in time.”

“Yeah.”

“Jim,” Spock whispered. “I apologize for all of the hurt I have caused you.”

“I know.”

“No, you do not. My words were thoughtless. I did feel happy while I was under the influence of the spores but it was not real.” Spock grimaced slightly. “And I was wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“It was not the first time I was happy.”

“Oh yeah?” Jim smiled a little. “When was?”

“When you woke from your coma after the transfusion from Khan.”

“I love you, Spock.”

“Yeah, yeah, and he loves you too.”

Jim looked over Spock’s head to see Bones approaching. He laughed. “Hey Bones.”

“Don’t hey me.” But Bones had a slight smile to his lips. “I see you’re okay.”

“Thanks to you and Sulu.”

Bones glanced at Spock. “Do I need to check you out, Spock? Uhura told me that bitch sprayed you with some more spores from those stupid plants. Which have now been beamed out into space to not harm anyone else.”

“I am well, doctor. But I do need to make sure the prisoner is secure.” Spock stood up. “When can the captain be released?”

Jim smiled at him. “Yeah, when?”

"If everything continues to look good, I’d say this evening. With twenty-four hours of no duty, and then another twenty-four of light duty. You _did_ almost die. Again.”

“And Spock?” Jim asked hopefully.

“What about Spock?”

“Can’t he be on light duty too?”

“What? So you two can consummate or something?”

“Duh!”

“If you will excuse me, Captain, I do have duties at present.”

Jim waved his hand as Spock departed. “Bye, sweetie.”

Bones rolled his eyes at Jim.  “So, that’s it? Lovers in space now?”

"Well, not until I can get out of here, anyway.”

His friend squeezed his shoulder. “Be careful.”

“Spock won’t hurt me, Bones.”

“He already has,” Bones grumbled. He held up his hand at Jim. “I know. I know. Love is in your eyes and heart and the hobgoblin can do no wrong.” His expression turned unexpectedly serious. “What I want to know is if you forgive _m_ e.”

“You?” Jim frowned. “For what?”

“What happened down there on Omicron Ceti III. You’re my best friend, my brother, and if I did anything that made you doubt yourself any more than you already did, well, I—”

“Come here.”

Bones leaned down and Jim embraced him.

“I forgive you,” Jim whispered. “Thanks for saving me.”

Bones sniffed and pulled back. “I always will.”

“I know.” Jim gave him a gentle smile. “Because you’re the best.”

His friend rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “Get some rest. And then when I come back, we’ll talk about your release.” 


	14. Spock

When he thought of how much Leila Kalomi had nearly cost him. Had nearly cost Jim, Spock found it hard to keep the anger he felt in check.

And yet, how much of it was his own doing? It was Spock who had rejected Jim and it was Spock whose thoughtlessly spoken words had cost Jim so much.

On the way to the brig to see that Leila was secure, Spock ran into Nyota, who was coming from that particular area.  He reminded himself to put her in for the commendation, since he didn’t want Jim to tax himself with anything in the near future.

She stopped in front of him, her dark eyes searching his. She reached out to touch him and her hands rested on his forearms. “You look happy. Does that mean things went well with Jim?”

“Yes,” Spock confirmed. “He forgives me all my transgressions.”

“And?”

“He loves me.”

She smiled at that. “And?”

“I love him.”

“And?”

Spock tilted his head. “What else is there, Nyota?”

“A wedding. A bonding ceremony. Commitment for life.” She squeezed his arms. “Spock, don’t you know that I know, well, hell, I _knew_ for a long time, that you didn’t want that with me because you wanted it with him?”

“How could you know when I did not know myself?”

Nyota shook her head. “Come on, Spock. You knew. You were just too stubborn and thickheaded to figure it out. Fortunately, I wasn’t.”

“For which I will always be grateful.”

“So?”

He shook his head. “It is too early to speak of such things with him.”

Nyota sighed. “He is not so fragile, you know. He can handle a lot more than you give him credit for. And honestly, haven’t you two wasted enough time? You once told me you were afraid of being with Jim because you had seen the toll being with Jim took on Ambassador Spock. His time with his Jim, in his timeline, was too short and he never stopped grieving. Isn’t that a good enough reason to grab onto Jim here and now?” She released his arms to throw her arms around him and squeeze him tight. “I love you. Both. And I want you to be happy for many many years. Please make that happen.”

Nyota kissed his cheek then and continued down the corridor away from the brig. Spock continued to watch her until he could no longer see her.

And just like she wished him happiness, Spock hoped the same for her. She deserved it.

When he reached the brig, and the cell where Leila was being held, he spotted her sitting on a bench in the corner. But she rose when she saw him and came to stand close to the barrier.

“Mister Spock!”

“As you have no doubt been told, we are on our way to Starbase 9 to hand you over to the custody of Starfleet authorities. You will be court martialed as well as tried for the attempted murder of Captain Kirk.”

She put her hands on the wall. “But, I only did it because I love you.”

Spock shook his head. “You do not know love.”

“You love me! I saw it.” She was crying now. “I felt it when you made love to me. You-you were happy with me. We can be happy again together. We can! If you let me out, we can have everything. You can be Captain.”

Spock turned and walked away.

“Mister Spock! Mister Spock!” she continued to shriek. 

****

“God, it feels good to be out of the medbay,” Jim declared as he re-entered his quarters from the bathroom where he had just showered. “And away from Bones’ prodding.”

“I am gratified that he takes such good care of you,” Spock said as he went through Jim’s wardrobe to find him clothing to wear to bed.

Jim, who stood only with a towel around his waist, suddenly put himself in between Spock and the wardrobe. “Hey, forget about that. I figure for what I have in mind I can stay naked.”

“Jim, you just got out of the medbay—”

“And I am fully functional. You heard Bones. Thanks to Sulu’s Macron Wart.” His blue eyes sparkled with mischief as he met Spock’s gaze and slowly lowered the towel to the floor. “You and I didn’t get to do this before.”

Spock’s gaze roamed over Jim’s bare body. Down his chest to the already rising and thickening cock between his legs. How was he to resist this?

When Spock’s gaze rose once more to Jim’s face, he watched as that irresistible tongue came out and traced over his lips.

Spock’s breath hitched as he realized he didn’t have to resist. Jim wanted him as much as he wanted Jim. This beautiful, wonderful human was his to seize whenever he desired. And he most definitely desired.

With Nyota’s words still fresh in his thoughts, however, he wondered if he should bring up the issue of their bonding before they engaged in copulation.

It had been Spock’s experience, however limited, that humans engaging in sexual activity would say anything during it, even things they did not actually mean. Or even afterward in a blissed out state. He would not want Jim to make such agreement without careful consideration.

And yet, Spock’s own cock had grown erect and was pushing most uncomfortably against his uniform trousers. And Jim was looking at him expectantly, lust and wickedness evident in his blue depths.

Perhaps such serious discussion could wait after all.

Jim had moved closer to him and was now flicking his tongue out over the point of Spock’s left ear. He shivered.

“I wondered if your ears were sensitive,” Jim said with a beautiful smile.

“I believe that everything is simply sensitive to you, Jim,” Spock whispered. “I have…wanted you for a long time.”

“Hmm.” Jim moved his mouth across Spock’s jawline. “A long time, huh? How imprecise of you, Commander.”

Spock exhaled. “Five hundred sixty eight days and—”

Jim laughed and shut him up with his lips upon Spock’s. Then he nibbled on Spock’s bottom lip. “Let’s not make it five hundred sixty nine.”

“Yes,” Spock said, as his hands slid down Jim’s bare back to his buttocks. “I am in full agreement.”

Jim leaned back and pushed his hands under the hems of Spock’s shirts. “Then take these fucking off.”

Spock was in no mood to argue, so he quickly yanked them off over his head. He shuddered as Jim’s callused hands roamed up his stomach and to his chest, fingers tangling in his wiry chest hair.

Jim leaned forward and nuzzled Spock’s throat. His cock jumped in his pants and he felt the wetness there.

“On the bed,” Spock ordered, noting the way Jim’s nostrils flared at the command. He watched as Jim back up until the backs of his knees hit the mattress and then he sunk down onto the bed, gaze riveted to Spock.

Spock discarded his boots quickly, barely pausing to remove his socks, before turning his attention to the removal of his pants. Jim was running his tongue along his lips while his hands inched toward the large, thick penis between his legs.

“Shall I start?” Jim asked, his tone low and deep.

All Spock could do was nod and he waited as Jim’s fingers curled around his shaft, his thumb rubbing across the pre-cum drop at his slit. There was a ragged moan and Spock wasn’t sure which one of them made it.

He pushed his uniform trousers down to his ankles and stepped out of them. He made short work of his regulation briefs and very soon stood there naked and staring at his magnificent captain.

He had the sense to inquire after lubricant and was pointed to a nearby drawer where he found a rather enormous bottle. Spock felt torn between gratitude that they would not need replacement any time soon and jealousy at how much had already been used.

Spock knelt on the bed beside Jim, leaning down to kiss him somewhat madly. If there was one thing Spock found he was grateful for it would be the ability to feast on Jim’s lips whenever he wished.

They would have years to perfect this, Spock thought, and in fact, at some point Spock would likely experience Pon Farr with this human, and while he had previously dreaded his mating time, knowing it would be with Jim, made it so much less worrisome. But for now, Spock did not think he could go slow and careful. They’d both waited so long for this, longer than they should have, and he saw the eagerness in Jim’s eyes that surely mirrored his own.

“Spock, want you,” he moaned, linking his arms around Spock’s neck. “Please.”

A thrill shimmied up Spock’s spine at his captain’s needy words. Though it was no doubt illogical, Jim begging him was incredibly stimulating. Spock was too eager himself to experiment with it too much but Spock suspected there would be some future experimentation.

He lubed up two fingers and then parted his captain’s legs. If Spock’s breathing was a little labored who could blame him. This human—his human—was magnificent. And Spock was going to get to keep him.

The stimulation of Jim’s channel clenching around his fingers was enough to make the heavy cock between his legs ache with need. His fingers thrusting inside Jim felt amazing beyond anything he could have imagined.

“Ashaya,” Spock breathed in Jim’s ear, his reward was a kind of mewling sound that nearly made Spock lose it all together. He could not hold back any longer. Playing with Jim’s ass in this manner would likewise have to wait for another time. Right now, he wanted sweet relief.

Spock withdrew his fingers and added more lubrication to his shaft. He had to grit his teeth against the sensation of stroking his own erection. He was too ready to release.

Placing himself between the legs of his captain, Spock lifted him up just slightly to provide him better access to Jim’s slicked hole.

He met the gaze of his captain as he pushed past the tight ring of muscle and his breath stilled in his throat. He was so enraptured of this man. It was on the verge of scaring him again, but he pushed it away.

Somehow, despite all the pain his counterpart endured at the premature loss of his mate, Spock knew, in his heart, both Vulcan and human, he would be with Jim under any circumstances, no matter the cost.

Could he do anything less?

Moving within Jim was the most sublime sensation. Over and over Spock thrust deeply into Jim. Again and again he stroked Jim’s prostate until Jim was a quivering mess of moans and cries beneath him. And still Spock drove into him.

When he could no longer hold back the orgasm tightening his balls, Spock reached between their bodies and tugged on Jim’s cock, once, twice, three times, and Jim was erupting with Spock’s name pouring from his lips. Only moments later, Spock came inside his beloved captain.

They lay side by side, merely breathing in each other for several long moments. Occasionally they would kiss with their mouths or their fingers. They might have stayed that way all night except for the sudden chime at the door.

“Computer,” Jim commanded. “Identify visitor.”

“Doctor Leonard McCoy.”

Spock rose and wrapped the sheets and blankets around Jim before pulling out a robe from Jim’s closet. Jim smiled at him as Spock called out, “Enter.”

McCoy sauntered in, carrying medical equipment, but he stopped short when he saw Jim lounging in bed, barely even bothering to cover his bare chest, Spock noted, while Spock stood beside the bed wearing the captain’s robe.

McCoy rolled his eyes. “I should have known. That didn’t take long.”

Spock glanced at Jim, who really did look extremely debauched, and tried not to blush. “I was given to understand you cleared the captain for—”

“Yeah, let’s not go there,” McCoy interrupted. “And yeah, it’s fine. I knew Jim wouldn’t be able to help himself.”

“What do you want anyway?” Jim asked, not unkindly.

“I came to check on your condition.”

Jim grinned. “I’m completely sated.”

“Captain.”

“I’ll ignore that,” McCoy said with another eye roll. He approached Jim with a tricorder out for scanning.

“Seriously, Bones. I’m fine. I could have been cleared for duty.”

“And then you wouldn’t have…whatever this is.” He lowered his scanner but then he jabbed a hypo into Jim’s neck.

“Hey.” Jim swatted him away.

“Just some vitamin supplements. Have to keep up your strength.” He glanced at Spock. “I guess I’ll have you off another day.”

“But—”

“Spock too,” McCoy said quickly. “Mental health day.”

“There is nothing wrong with my mental health,” Spock replied.

“Say thank you, Spock,” the doctor said as he headed for the door.

“Thank you.”

“And see that he eats in between resting. Or whatever it is you two are doing.” McCoy held up his hands. “And no I don’t want to know.”

“Bye Bones,” Jim called cheerfully. When the doctor left, Jim called out, “Computer engage lock, Captain’s code, Alpha4238.”

“Security lock engaged.”

Jim held out a hand toward Spock. “Come back to bed. And as good as my robe looks on you, lose it too.”

Spock did as Jim said, he was a good first officer after all, and scooted under the covers and by Jim’s side.

“Jim?”

“Yes?”

Spock scooted even closer, as they lay on their sides, facing each other. “Would you consider bonding with me?”

“Bonding?”

“It may be premature,” Spock said quickly. “I did inform Nyota—”

“You talked with Uhura about bonding?”

“With you, yes. It was her suggestion that I speak to you about it. She was of the opinion, given my prior misgivings about how much time our counterparts were able to spend together, that we ought to bond sooner rather than later. But I understand—”

“All right.”

Spock stopped. Stared at Jim who was smiling somewhat bemusedly at him. “What?”

“I said…all right.”

“To bonding with me?”

His smiled widened. “Isn’t that what we were talking about?”

“I am uncertain if you are aware of all that entails and—”

“I know, Spock. All the mind connection. Pon Farr. Feeling your thoughts and emotions. _I know_. And I accept.”

“If you think it is too soon I will wait.”

Jim sighed then. “You are so infuriating sometimes. I just said yes. I said I want to. Has it occurred to you I don’t want to waste any more damn time either?”

“I…no,” Spock admitted. But his heart was filled with hope and longing of which he had never known. To have a bond with Jim would be better than anything Spock had imagined in life. He swallowed heavily. “I am gratified.”

“Is that reserved Vulcan for hallefuckinglujah?” Jim’s smile was the most beautiful he had ever seen.

“Yes,” Spock whispered. “It is.”

“So, this bond thing, is it permanent?”

“I would like it to be.”

“But _can_ it be broken?”

“Yes,” he said, albeit reluctantly. “Though not without difficulty.”

“So, theoretically, at least, it’s forever,” Jim said softly.

Spock’s heart soared. “Yes.”

“Good.” Jim kissed him. It was perhaps the sweetest kiss Spock had ever known. “I love you. And if you don’t mind, I’ll probably tell you every day.”

“I do not mind.” Spock paused. “I love you as well. And if you do not mind, I probably will _not_ tell you every day.”

Jim chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t mind. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch. And I hear it in the way you breathe around me.”

Spock closed his eyes, overwhelmed. “T’hy’la.”

The sweet kiss again. Softer somehow.

“Forever, huh?”

“And a day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is a very happy wrap on this one.  
> it's been almost a year exactly  
> Thank you for reading


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